Insomnia Revisited

Not again "/ I hope not atleast. My headache is clearing so maybe. Texting Chris is helping a bit.

So I'm in a bathroom, in the dark and I don't know why. As a kid, I would be sent here as a punishment. Looks like I grew accustomed to it. What are the odds?
I don't even know. My bathroom is a really good thinking place for me haha. I guess all those punishments made it that way.

I wonder, if you read these past couple of blogs, how you're going to react. Honestly, I think I'm just going to get yelled at and/or kicked out of the house. I think you're going to think I made it all up in spite of you, well, I didn't. Pretty much everything here is how I feel about everything; The way you treat me, the way you talk to me, the way you act around other people, whatever. It just how you make me feel: BAD. Though sometimes its not that case, but those happy moments, they usually aren't from you. You just came down stairs. I really hope that things do get better. The "love" that you claim you have for me, where is it? In these material things? When was the last time you told me that you loved me and actually meant it? I'm not trying to be mean, I'm being honest. You dish out a lot of shit to me, and I have to take it. I'm told you're my mother, I have to respect you. Well, I was taught that respect is a two-way street, but seeing how reckless you are at driving that you cant follow the road rules of respect. You drive on the middle of the road of respect and in reality. You can't be respected if you don't respect as well. I lost all respect to you for acting so immature and stubborn. Swallow your fucking pride and admit that sometimes, YOU ARE WRONG. Wake up and realize, education is so much harder than it was the number of years ago that YOU cant even REMEMBER. Yeah, you went to college with a language barrier and it was tough. Its not like people don't do it now; They go through a tough, competitive high school system, to barely even make it to college. I may be smart but I'm not that smart. You expect so much out of me but you don't even believe in me. You never do. You didn't show up to my black belt graduation. You never went to any of the shows that I wanted you to go to. You left half way after my middle school graduation. Grandma told me that you both were negligent parents. That I was left with whoever can watch me. Hearing that made me break down. Its like, I want to love you, more than unconditionally, but you make it so fucking hard to do. You guys force things upon me, but never support me in what you force upon, especially if I enjoy it. I don't understand the kind of hypocrisy you guys... I'm at a loss for words for this, but you both are very hypocritical and I don't understand why. Maybe one day we all can have a mature conversation when you will listen to me and actually listen for once.

I've had enough of your bullshit.