Day 13

I took a nap around 7. Woke up at 10 and went straight to sleep.

MIDTERM TOMORROW. Well today because I didn't do this yesterday. I'm so gonna fail.

DANC 23L is getting routine-ish. I'm getting bored of it and its not good. I need to join a crew.

Day 12

I forgot my laptop charger in dance so I'm on my brothers desktop.

Got to school on time, fell asleep in the 9:30 DANC 23L class, fell asleep in HIST 19A, fell asleep in DANC 23M. Basically, I fell asleep a lot today, and its not good.

I'm thinking about things I shouldn't be. I miss you, and you, and you, and you. <>

So

Within this week, I've gotten a lot closer with my mom. It might be me maturing, or just trying to keep things together with my dad gone, but I'm working harder now.

I really don't like the fact you're being a super hypocrite. Its really depressing to hear that you "had such strong feelings" for me to tell that you want to focus in school. I'm sorry I opened up to you, that I told my hopes, my dreams, my fears, and my past. I'm sorry that I failed to keep things slow, that I rushed my life into yours. I'm not sorry though, for being honest, for trying. And now to be ignored, I thank you for being a hypocrite, it made me realize that you're growing up, and that I have to also. I have to grow into a higher state of maturity, and that you're still maturing. So from here I bid you adieu. It was nice knowing you.

Day 11?

I'm losing track of the days. This routine is getting the best of me. Nothing special is happening. Boys are stupid, midterms are coming up, my bumper is falling off, and I'm getting closer to my mom. I guess things are looking up sorta.

I need to get things done

Day 10

18 motherfucking dummy.

I only went to DANC 23L and M ahah. This is definitely a birthday to remember thoug

Day 9

The rain was ridiculous today. Momma took me to class and it was kinda weird. It was an off day today. HUMA 10 was just as boring as HIST 19A. I didn't do shit in DANC 23L. Today was a good day though. I guess.

Note to self: Move on and get a move on

It amazes me

How much I fucking suck -_-

I tell myself I'm not going to talk to you, but I can't stop. It eats at me, bothering me until things are figured out. I need to clear this off my plate.

All the high hopes that I had have been crushed. You don't even know. I probably thought way too far ahead but, I wanted to make this special. Oh well, lost cause.

On a good note, my pre-birthday celebration was fucking amazing. Empower II presented by Soulciety.org was inspiring, amazing, and, due to lack of better words, empowering. It was a great show with many great performances! Then my birthday party was fun while it lasted and now I'm at home. Boo.

---

I started that shit hella long ago and fell asleep. I had a talk sorta online with you to clear things up and it looks like it won't happen. Again, so much for those high hopes.

Looking back at all ~100 text you sent me, it makes me sad. I thought something was going to happen. I don't want to be the one to force you to do it. I'm willing to take the risk that's necessary. I want to try to take some of that stress away from living a double life. I want to be that support for you. I'll help you out in school, life, whatever, all I want is to love and be loved back. You know, see my dream come true.

When will that happen?

I'm not happy

I maybe wrong but, I think its over.

I'm super complicated. Its depressing. I don't know what to say, but I want to talk to you.

Remind Me

To not get my hopes up again. Especially when it comes to relationships.

I can't take much more of this. I sound repetitive, but its true. I keep getting my hopes up, but every time I get close to being "official", it all falls apart. And the worse part is, every time this happens, I get scared because I think they have found someone else. Someone better

I don't know why I get so paranoid. It sucks because I just hella dwell on it. And its hard not to think about that. It happened so many times before. Fuck my life.

I'm scared I'm never gonna live that dream. I'm scared that if I open up, they'll turn me away. I'm scared that if they say they won't treat me differently, that they will. I'm scared of being left for someone better. I'm scared of being that hurt again.

But I'll have to take those risks eventually

Today

Feels like failure. I didn't finish/remember my choreo. I didn't get home on time. I didn't finish the poster. I didn't find that book I was looking for. I didn't talk to you.

I don't even know what to say. I got over it last night dancing. I was on the way to the library and I got hella nervous. I thought you would've been gone already by the time I got there; Man, was I wrong. I saw you from a afar, and I walked in the other direction to get in to find I couldn't find my book and I waited for my bus instead. I see you across the street, "text" you "hi" and receive no response. And what do I do? I dance, duh. I suck but I do it anyways. Practice makes perfect right? So Cristal calls me and then I go back in and say hi to a mutual friend. Then I leave again.

I really wish we could talk. I hate figuring things out over AIM, it feels like a wall is blocking the truth. It feels like there's so much more that can and/or should be said. I have to say. I really do miss you "/

I hate how something similar to this ALWAYS happens before my birthday. Last year, the year before, the year before, freshman year I had finals ON my birthday. So much for a completely happy 18th birthday.

D @__________

I really wish you would talk to me. At least let me be there for you, at least mean what you said. You don't want to hurt me but doing this is hurting me way more. I feel really selfish but I'm human, we don't like pain. I just want to understand everything. Because from my point of view, you're no longer interested in me.

What's going on right now? I really want to know. I want to know the truth.

I find myself hurting more and more every time. My heart is damaged and bruised. I tried to give it to you but you pulled your hand back and let it drop. I feel like shit, and right before my birthday... AGAIN! I have the worst of luck.

I hate getting my hopes up. Its happened to many times where I got excited for something and I see it crash and burn. And when I say something, I mean someone.

That sounded really angry.

This has happened too many times now. You'd think I'd learn my lesson, but I guess I'm a glutton for punishment. I got to know you, I started to like who you are, what you believe in, you as a whole. I open up to you and tell you my mistakes, my regrets, my everything. You tell me that you're stressed out with everything, that you still don't know what you want. I told you that I was scared that if I told you everything, you would push me away. And now, I see that you did. That fear happened, and it left me to cry myself to sleep.

I don't know who to call, who to talk to. I miss having that extremely close bond with someone where I can tell them anything and everything. I guess being the "social butterfly" I am, I have too many friends, a lot of close friends, not the best friend I'm comfortable with spilling my guts to.

I need a shoulder to cry on, and I want that shoulder's owner to hold me and tell me its alright, kiss me on my forehead and keep me there until I'm better. I want to find him.

Day 8

I didn't go to my first class. I was late to my second class. And DANC today was a joke.

I hung out with the Triad and Kuya Rome. Met up with Nick and roamed the city. But now I'm extremely confused.

I'm breaking down.

Day 7

For yesterday. My dad drove me to school because I woke up late. Nothing really important happened. Just routine

Day 6

Just same old same old. The routine is starting to drain me. I got a hair cut though. And I'm getting way too distracted by you. But I don't mind. Got me cheesin for days :]

Day 5

A day late. Its ok though. The reason why I'm late is a cute one... for me to know and for you to find out way later :]

I dropped ANTH 01 for HIST 19A. Hella less people, but with Cristal, Brendon, and Elizabeth! Its all lecture, so I have to pay attention. And there's a field trip to the city! Maybe I'll take Brian along haha. HUMA 10 is really boring right now and waking up at 430AM still isn't crackin, then again, it never was. I don't like the choreo for DANC 23L but DANC 23M is legit. Demo is gonna be hella sick.

I really need to pay attention in HIST 19A. I need to do well.

DANCE DANCE DANCE

Day 4

It was even harder to get up today. I left my house later but I still had to wait for the bus. We got our groups for HUMA 10 and I didn't really pay attention during ANTH 01. Today, during DANC 23L, my phalanges hella hurt. Today's class didn't pick it up as fast as yesterday's but they got it none the less. The 2:30 class had a much harder time getting it down, some people even had a fuck off attitude. It was ok though, today was fun. I GOT A NAP IN ♥.

I really have to step up my game. Anthro is KILLING ME, but I have to do. Clear humanities and ICS.

In other news:

Condolences to Camille. Your Uncle will be in my prayers.

Its almost my birthday. 18 here I come.

I live in De Anza PE11U Classroom. Bring me food and pillow please.

I'm so fucking broke. Its depressing.

And thanks for calling me to hang out jerk. We we're supposed to chill, we didn't. Thanks for keeping me waiting.

And I'm done, good night

Day 3

Today was a lot harder for me to wake up. Got to school at 7 again but I was prepared today! I had my laptop and everything. 10 min before class, I got my coffee and a donut and went to HUMA 10. Today was more active then yesterday. I still need that book. Then I went to the 9:30 DANC 23L class and learned the choreo. Its pretty easy. Then ANTH 01 we watched a movie about chimps and compared their similarities with humans. I knocked out -__-. Then with the usual suspects had lunch and went to our registered DANC 23L and 23M classes. Tiring as fuck.

And nothing else special happened at school. This week is almost over. And I'm excited for my birthday :]

Happy Birthday Lauren!

Day 2

I woke up on time but I didn't want to be awake. I got ready and left to find out that there is no 5:30 bus that goes by my house so I waited for the next one. Got to school around 7 and got my cup of coffee. I realized today that I need to start bringing my laptop to school with me so I don't fall asleep everywhere. HUMA 10 at 7:30 was interesting. Katrina Gloria is in the class with me and its pretty interesting, even though this is the teacher's first time teaching the class. It seems interesting enough. Afterwards, had a pleasant surprise before my 2 hour break. I saw Anthony from OLP! It was nice to see him again after so long. Then with the usual suspects, we walked around until our next classes. ANTH 01 was ridiculously crowded, again. I couldn't focus and I started feeling queasy. I left after signing in, and ran in to the boys of DGC and roamed the campus with them until DANC 23L. This week is so bland, its depressing. I can't wait for tomorrow when we start getting to business. Other than that, books cost me a total of ~$234. Thank God that Cristal has one of the books. Lets hope Vee has the other one.

Tomorrow is another day and Lauren's 19th, so Happy (early) Birthday Lauren.

Lets hope for the best.

Day 1

So I decided, in order for me to keep my resolutions, I will blog one blog everyday; To keep track of things so I can better myself. 2 more Quarters this year, Time to see if I can keep this up.

Day 1

I woke up so much later than I wanted. My 4:30 wake up turned into an 8:00 one. Thanks Nick, if you didn't text me, I probably would've slept longer and miss both of my legit classes. Hopefully, tomorrow, I'll be able to be in that be in that first HUMA 10 class. The second class was chill though. The professor makes the class seem really interesting. And Tung is in the class with me! So is Tina Truong, Lonq Quan, and Michelle too! And a smart cookie haha. After that hung out with Mel before DANC 23L. Whole Foods ftw. Then DANC 23L & DANC 23M totally made my day. I missed the dance room way too much. It felt good to dance today. Plus, the reunion with everyone today made things so much better. After all that, went to Sushi Factory with Travis and Cristal. Darcy joined us soon after. It was good. 4 people, 17 rolls, $100.29. It was great, until I had to go to TKD at least; but thats a different thing.

Tomorrow, pray I wake up on time.

Wish for the Best

Hmm

I think this year, I'm not going to even try to make things better. If we were friends, but now we're not, then I'm going to leave things that way. You have your reasons for not being my friend, and I shouldn't trip. So much for bonds.

I think this year, I'm going to work hard. I want to do a lot more with dance, and the only way I'm going to be able to do that is to actually try. I want to get better. I want to learn more. I, as Ellen Kim said, "Hunger for more." Its gonna take a lot this quarter to do everything. Goodbye sleep.

I think this year, I'm going to stay single. I don't need it. It would be nice, but I'm going to be busy enough. However, if they do somehow win me over, I wouldn't mind. But then again, its not that hard to impress me :P.

Hmm, I guess this is more of my resolutions for this year. Resolution #1: Remember these resolutions. Resolution #2: Actually follow through with said resolutions. Resolution #3: Succeed.

PS

Before I forget, this pretty much happened after all the excitement of what is in store for this month.

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