Fucked

So bad.

Next quarter, I have to work harder. I have to work so hard its not even funny.

I don't think I'm gonna dance next quarter. I might take hip hop 2 because I took the wrong units but I don't know. Its been a distraction from school and I love it, but I can't be distracted. I need to get out so I can pursue better things and get the fuck out of Milpitas. But then again, what am I pursuing?

So lately I've been feeling excluded, from everything. Like, I'm just left there and it hella hurts. I thought we had strong bonds and that we were friends who cared for each other. Guess not. And what bothers me more is that you wanted to punch me in the face because I'm such a faggot. How the fuck do feel about that?

Another thing, a few days ago you sent me a message saying,

i know i've been acting like a jerk lately but i don't mean to. things are really complicated in my life and i'm still trying to process all of it. I'm not ready to come out. I really trust you though with my secret. People searced up my aim sn and they found a bunch of posts you wrote with my sn and then they almost found out. So please, could you at least put a different name or delete the posts, cuz i don't want to deal with people right now if they did find out. I hope you understand and i'm sorry for everything.

And it hurt like a bitch. How do I respond to that calmly? How do I reply without anger or spite? How did I even come up with anything to say back to that? I really don't know but I did.

The post with his SN was our last real conversation. I have it to remind me of what he said, and to remind me that I can't let my guard down. I apologized for the post but I don't pity his life complications. Everyone has complications in their life, some bigger than others, and all I can say is that I've been there, and I know what its like so don't complain. I sympathized already, no more. And I never asked you to come out. I implied things get easier when you are out, but not once did ask you to come out.

Now to be completely honest, I can't accept this apology; because for 1, I still have a lot on my mind, a lot of things that I need to clear up. And 2, this apology is to honestly, save your ass(This is where spite comes in). This wouldn't even happen if you would talk to me. I mean you said you cared, and that you had "such strong feelings" for me, but looking back at it, you just wanted to hit it and quit it. You were a disappointment to me because I had so much faith in you. I thought you would be the one I could delete my DL for, the one who I wouldn't mind waking up at 3 in the morning to make breakfast and drive up to Twin Peaks to show you the sunrise. The one who would be my last. I believed in you because you talked to maturely and you wanted the same things I did, or so I thought. I find out from my friends that you just wanted to get some. That's fucking ridiculous. You're young, you have plenty of time to do that trust me. And I would've done that with you, in good time. Its only natural, but why rush? If things were different, I probably would care for you much more than I do now, but now I can care less. No not really, I'm not that mean. So good luck on trying to get whoever it is you're trying to get fuck you. I'm gonna be here if you need it, but you won't get a lot of love from me.

Yea just a bunch of mini rants. I swear I'll post about LA later! I promise.

Until then