I Don't Even Know

This isn’t just “stupid shit” as you say, its a way for me to get a lot off my mind. Or a way to record a good or bad day. Its a way for me to keep tabs.

Why does he always do this to me? Everytime I talk to him he seems to always makes me the bad guy. I hate how he always gives me ultimatums. I hate how he always put so much on me. I really can’t take anymore of this. I don’t understand why can’t he ever be as nice to me as he is to my brother. Maybe I’m not destined for greatness. Maybe I’m not all that smart. If I was, I’d probably be able to outsmart being lazy. I know you want the best for me but I don’t know if I can take anymore of this. Mom’s fake “good jobs” don’t help either. Its like I can never make you proud. Not in the ways I know I can do it. I excel in Tae Kwon Do but you don’t really seem to care, though you wanted me to do it against what I originally wanted. I help create a success in fundraisers and other social events but you don’t seem to care. You never seem to really care about what I like to do or what I’m doing it for. It seems all you care for is school. I know school is going to make my future but its not the only thing that really matters. I also understand you want me to have a good future but I don’t really need a glamourous one. What I want is to be happy, and thats really hard to do at home. It seems that everytime you look at me, its seems that you hate me. Is it because I don’t do well in school? Is it because I don’t always listen? Is it because I like to spend my time on other things that probably won’t help give me a stable career and lifestyle? To be honest, I’d rather be living in a small apartment or renting a room, and doing something I enjoy. I know I sound naive but hey, I’m trying to be optomistic. School is important, but its not the only thing. Its going to be my base for everything, but it won’t teach me everything. Everything I do builds me for a better life in some sense. Sure I won’t have a fancy mansion, but I’m fine with an apartment of some sort. I can take care of myself. I’m old enough to be able to. I know how to cook and clean (though I don’t always clean). I know how to get to what I want or need.

I dont know what else to say