This blog has no need for a clever or "punny" title.

Today started off as a good day. Everything was going smooth. Made good food, finished my portfolio, got my coffee, had some fun at the mall, got a lot of job apps. Everything was fun. So I decided to go to the youth "rally" at SJB. I'm like, "Sure, it'll be fun. Youth Rallies usually are." SIKE. This totally ruined my day. I have a headache from it. It started off as a lot of fun. Music playing, me dancing, having a good time. Then the talk started and we all got really bored. Matt went missing after a while. We just sat there and chilled and stuff. Matt came back and we tried to leave but the wouldn't let us. We ended up getting out and just chillin outside. This is where things go way downhill. I get into a little argurment with Kelsey, and Matt tells me sometimes you scare me. And I was like why? We're hella chill with each other. I tell you everything, for the most part. Apparently they were doing some wierd ass shit in there. They would ask you questions and if you didn't answer at all or answer the way they wanted you, they'd hit you. It would be a gentle hit, but they would still hit you. I'm thinking, what the fuck. Thats just wrong. One of the questions was how do you feel about gay people. Matt thought they were cool people. He got hit. I don't understand this. We were raised and taught to love everyone, that God created everyone as equal, that we are who he made us to be. Why hate? This struck me as brain wash. As being more occult than spirtual and religous. I mean it was weird when they wouldn't let us leave when we couldn't go out to breathe, but when they made Lillian, who isn't even Catholic, stay, I thought that was fucked up. We got her out though and we just chilled for a while. Jane came and told us they did this prayer thing where everyone would fall. I was like ok, lets see whats going on. I was watching it and it looked like they were forcing something on you; Like they were forcing someting into you. I couldn't take this anymore. I didn't want to partake in that. People told me I should've done it. It would've been good. I was like no, I won't. I don't want to have anything forced on me. I have a mind of my own. We have every right to have our own beliefs. You shouldn't be forcing the church beliefs on to the youth, onto the future. As this continued, this struck me more as a CULT. This took religion to an extreme. It was scaring me. People who were really open minded, closed thier beliefs. I was going to break down. I honestly started to break down. Tony was there with me for that too. I just stayed outside for the rest of that with CMT. I had some interesting talks with Joseph Tran. Me and Tony were really out of it. Tony had more of a reason to be than I did but I took it worse. We pretty much had an F*Bombing and it cleared things up a bit. Matt reassured me and told me things are cool, that hes still the same person. That made me feel better. My dad came and I took my cousin home. And I was talking to Peter and Jon. I feel like stoging but I know I shouldn't. I want to do something to get my mind off of everything. This event changed my views on everything. Do I really want to be a part of all this. I love God and everything he's done for me, but is it really necessary to have all these occult rituals. These strange processes. These unfair morals. I'm questioning my faith more than ever now. I need St. Joes. I need a retreat. "Its like I'm going into my own little avatar state and I'm about to berserk." Honestly, I have so many mixed emotions right now. I'm going to break down again.

For those of you who read this, Don't worry to much. I'll be fine. If not, I pull a pretty good facade.

God, help me here. I don't even know anymore. Help me find my way back into your comfort. Guide me into a sense of security. Lead me into a bounty of love and help me create joy in my time of dispair.

Even now I still turn to you. My pessimism is getting stronger. Help restore my faith.

PS Where are you? I need the warmth of your loving arms more than ever now...